Tuesday, December 30, 2008

♪ Numb ♪

...I Feel Numb...
Not even listening to the Jonas Brothers can make me get out of this zombie mode right now and they always do!
I don't really know what to say, but I'll explain why thats the case...

My dad has been very sick with flu like symptoms & has been having a lot of major stomach issues recently. He has been going to the hospital for the past 2 or so months to get many tests done to find out what's going on and  he went in for surgery today (12/30/08) to get a couple lymph-nodes  in his lungs taken out to see if they were cancerous. We found out that yes, it is indeed cancer.  We will not know if it's lymphoma in his lungs (lymph-node cancer), lung cancer or both and we wont know what stage it is in until friday. 

This whole thing is so hard... When I was in 6th grade my mother was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer & was cleared from it either my senior year of HS or my freshmen year of college, it all kind of blends together. Luckily  her type of cancer was/is curable, but sadly my fathers cancer will not be and apparently lymphoma & lung cancers are the two worst cancers out there, but thats not gonna slow us down. During the time my mom had cancer she had to have radiation, but no chemo. My dad will be needing both, so even though my family has gone through this before, it's still a bit of a curve ball and something new thrown at us.

I will still be going to Disney & I really hate that I'm leaving though. I feel like I'm abandoning my family, but it has been made clear by them that I need to go no matter what. It's going to be really, really hard because I'm the oldest child and I took care of my brothers & kind of a role of another parent when we were going through this with my mom. My motherly instincts kick in when it comes to situations like this and I can't be here to help like that this time, at least not for four months and it's killing me. I am glad that I'm still doing Disney because I will be doing something awesome and I can keep my family distracted from the constant black cloud that is hovering them by telling them about my experiences and all that jazz & I'm glad that I can do that for them.

I am having a lot of strong mixed emotions, but I do have my wall up and my "game face" on. I know the routine and I know how unpredictable the whole thing is and I'm ready to kick some cancer butt! (even though I'm not the one literally fighting it) So please don't think I'm heartless at times or too much of a mess (if you continue to read my blogs) just understand what's going on and be patient with me and I promise that I will not get all emo on here lol =)

Okay so I think that's enough depressing news today... I'll end with a happy note... I got my Team Jonas membership gift in the mail!!! Finally!! LOL I'm sure that a lot of you don't care cause well I don't have many friends that like the JoBros, but I love 'em so get use to it =P hehe Also! My hair turned out pretty well (I colored it... it's mentioned in the blog before this one) it looks natural as if I grew the color myself  haha and I'll get pictures up later.

I've had a long and exhausting day/evening so I'm going to go. I hope that my update was helpful. I know that it helped me to get it off my chest... Writing always has been able to do that for me =) 
Know that I love all of you and I am so grateful for everyone & everything and I know that love can help anyone get through the hardest times cause love conquers evil so lets spread the love! =D (I'm cheesy I know hehe!)

Goodnight & Sweet Dreams!

Song: Numb - U2

2 comments:

Oh Amy. said...

Love ya, girl. If there's anything at all I can do..you give a hollah. <3 and Roses

I'm The Momma, That's Why! said...

Hi Rachel,

I'm just an old granny here on the 'Space Coast' of Florida - and was surfing blogs . . . liked your picture and read some of your blog.

So sorry to hear what your family is having to deal with, but it sounds to me like you have a very mature view of how you have to handle it. That's something hard to find in a young woman these days. I'm certain that both your parents are very proud.

I am sure you'll have your 'moments' and that's to be expected - but you're wearing that game face well!

Best of luck with all your ventures - the good and the not-so-good. You will grow from them all!

Grannie in Florida